Coming to terms…

Love is a strange thing.

Part of the reason for my silence over such a long time is that in many ways, I’m still coming to terms with my relatively recent past and my present. I’m not a happy person at all, big grin or not.

I’ve been single for just over two years now, and apart from losing a year altogether to mourning that loss, one of my biggest regrets is that I haven’t had the privilege of meeting my wife.

Suddenly out of almost nowhere, i’m beginning to make sense of it all and figure out some truth that is going from head knowledge to heart knowledge about God and his plans for me.  And figuring out how to forgive rejection, which I have suffered in many forms over the 35 years of my life.

Part of the problem is the Northern Ireland expectation that people will be “just fine” and “good little boys and girls”.  We never are.  We are broken people, with broken lives, who sometimes just need people to stand with them, and tell us that not only does Jesus love us, they love us too.

And sometimes that just has to be enough.

One day I will meet my wife.  I’ve made a list of what I’m looking for, which i will post another day, and it’s all internal.  Everything I REALLY want in my heart of hearts, never mind what else I might like, is internal.

But for now, all I can do is wait.  I’ll continue to be frustrated, I’ll continue to be lonely, but I’ll wait.  And I will trust God to help me deal with whatever comes my way, and ask him to make sure I call on his help instead of doing things my way and crashing and burning.

Should anyone read this who is in touch with a certain ex-girlfriend of mine, please tell Mrs White that I pray all God’s most amazing blessings on her and her husband and on their marriage; I wish them many many years of happiness, and pray that as they grow older, they will love each other more and more, finding in each other the true soulmate, lover, friend, companion, and much more, that they have been seeking all their lives.

My day with my wife, whom I will honour in a way that I have failed to honour my ex-girlfriends, will come.