For the benefit of those who hadn’t noticed, I have horrendous self-esteem problems.

And it’s taken me this long to work that out.

It’s helped me understand a lot of things. Why I respond the way I do to things, why I feel particularly put down if I feel ignored, and so on. Why I grab onto any increased form of self-esteem and hold on for dear life, and collapse when that crutch is taken out from under me.

The only place I can get proper self-esteem is from God himself, the one who really values us, who loves us and so on. Self-esteem in humility, where we know how much we are wanted, but it’s really about God.

In my last relationship, one of the things I wanted to do was to help improve my then girlfriend’s self-esteem in such a way that if you took me out of the picture, her self-esteem would still hold up. I have learnt that only God can do that properly, much as we can try to prop each other up – because it’s like a stool or a tepee. Two people can still fall over, but add in a third leaning against each other, and the whole
will stay up. Or a cord of three strands.

We live and learn.

Next step: seek my identity in God alone, and make sure it’s who I am, not what I do. Watch this space.